Pondering Submissiveness

 sub·mis·sive   /səbˈmɪsɪv/ [suhb-mis-iv]

–adjective
1. inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient: submissive servants.
2. marked by or indicating submission: a submissive reply.
 
—synonyms
1. tractable, compliant, pliant, amenable. 2. passive, resigned, patient, docile, tame, subdued.
—antonyms
1. rebellious, disobedient.
 
Word Origin & History
submissive
1580s, "inclined to submit," from L. submiss- , pp. stem of submittere (see submission) + -ive. Masochistic sexual sense is attested by 1969. As a noun in this sense, by 1985. Related: Submissively ; submissiveness.

 I'm infatuated with the romantic notion of submission.  Does that make sense?

I am drawn to the concept, I understand (to some degree or another) the potential blessings to the psyche and the spirit.  Reading about others' submission is fascinating to me, to say the least.  But I have not found that balance for myself.

Our relationship is not one that would be well-suited to the Master/slave paradigms.  We really have hit our stride as an equanimous couple.  Despite our hiccup in April, we have been doing GREAT!  We have grown (in more than just our midsections), we're still melding, we still enjoy each other.  But I'm finding myself wanting something more.  And what I think I'm wanting is that touch of submission that continues to elude me.

Perhaps it's from being the eldest in a latch-key single-parent household....I'm stubborn.  If it isn't my way, or of interest to me, I want nothing to do with it.  In extreme stereotype, I could be taken as a spoiled brat perhaps.  I don't perceive myself as such; I feel that I approach life and others with more kindness and consideration than that, but I do recognize narcississtic tendencies in myself as well---tongue-in-cheek or not.

Truly, if I boil down the excuses, I have no real self-discipline.  I give up long-term goals for short-term satisfaction....and then my self-image suffers for my poor choices.

Perhaps that is the draw of submission for me.  Realizing that I'm not submitting to my own will, but to my own fancy.  And always being one to avoid facing things head-on (something I've been coming to realize the last couple of months through my Sunday afternoon conversations), I yearn for somebody else to 'fix' me.  To put the boundaries and guidelines on me that I will not do/heed for myself.  But I wouldn't listen to them either, and any 'corrective' measures would produce sullenness and animosity--that much I recognize.  Which is why I haven't pursued an open conversation about submissiveness with my husband.  He would put forth the valiant effort, in his support of me and trying to be of assistance to me (I have such a fabulous husband!!), and I would grow to resent him.

So, the true point to ponder is how to make my faults work for me?  How to submit to myself?  How to strengthen my will, and reign in my fancy?  And while we're at it, how to conquer my lazy streak.